I had my chemo port surgery on Tuesday and went for chemo straight afterwards, I did my meditation during chemo again and almost fell asleep, I was so relaxed. My brother collected me from the hospital and took me home. I managed to eat some leftover ravioli and Minestrone soup. I didn't think it was wise to take my full dose of Cannabis oils as I had just had the surgery, and anaesthetic, so I took 1 drop only and my nausea pill as prescribed for the next 2 days. I was feeling ok on Wednesday, very tired, but I managed to have a smoothie with some ensure in for breakfast and chicken schnitzel and salad for dinner. I took my immune-boosting shot at about 4.30 pm. I know from my last 2 rounds that it can cause muscle aches and a bad headache, so I was preparing myself for that.
I started to feel pretty crappy Wednesday night and then the fear of being alone and something happening to me crept in. I heard Shelley, my chemo nurses voice saying, "shame do you live alone? Can no one come to stay with you?" A tear rolled down my face as I felt sick, in pain and alone. I took a sleeping pill and hoped tomorrow would be better. Seeing as I had handled the last treatment much better than the first round,
it frightened the hell out of me when the devil came knocking at my door on Thursday. The Red Devil was finally paying me a visit and it wasn't pretty.
Imagine your life force being drained from you, feeling so week the thought of sitting up to drink some water makes you tired, mustering up the energy to actually move positions in your bed, takes so much out of you, my blood pressure was low and I had extreme fatigue.
My body tingled with unease as this poison flowed through me, feeling hot and cold at the same time, possessed by the devil himself.
It was like the worst hangover you have ever had X10. My stomach was distended and sore, my mouth was bitter, my sense of smell and taste warped, I had no appetite and the thought of any food made me weak at the knees. My head was foggy, my eyes were heavy and I messaged my mother as soon as I woke up. Corona would have to take a back seat now as I needed my mom. I barely got out of bed on Thursday, a part of me felt pissed off, angry that I was going through this, my mother shared my sentiments. She felt terrible that she couldn't take the pain away from me and ease my suffering and said:
"It's the most terrible thing watch someone you love be in pain and there is nothing you can do to help them".
I can't even imagine how traumatic it must be for her, reliving this as she did with my Dad.
My mom was helping me though, just by being with me, she stayed over and made sure I ate and drank enough, cleaned up and looked after me.
I've been surviving on Maggi's 2 Minute Noodles(chicken), its the only thing I can stomach at the moment. (Where did the healthy soup, I was planning on eating go? down the toilet!)
On Friday I went to my mom's apartment as it was an unusually hot summers day for April and I was in desperate need of air conditioning. I was woman-down for the day, disconnected from my annoying phone, lost in a wakeful slumber as the hours merged into each other. On one of the rare occasions that I managed to get up and go to the bathroom, I noticed my reflection, I was getting blisters around the plasters from my surgery, I tended to them with Bactroban as the Dr advised, and was told if others surfaced, I was to call her immediately as it could be a sign of an infection.
I looked at these new festering wounds, the battle scars on my body, my shaved head and pale face, I didn't recognize my reflection, I was an apparition of the "Dani" I used to be. I had gone to war and I had kept a brave face up until now, but now I had no choice but to surrender, the devil had dug its claws in me.
I remembered the Indian belief that every true miracle requires a sacrifice, and this was mine. Sacrificing my hair, energy and my apetite for life, my voice, the ability to give and spread light right now, it's hard to connect to divine energy when you are feeling this way, absolutely depleted on every cellular level, even as I'm writing this, I am trying not to doze off. All I can do is surrender, to survive this and pray for a miracle. I try and remind myself that I've come this far and I only have one more beating from The Red Devil to endure before the hardest of the chemo is over. I know everyone's struggles are real right now, and its all relative, but please take a moment to thank God you aren't feeling the way I am right now. Thank God you can get out of bed, have enough energy for the day, have an apetite to enjoy the foods you love, be thankful for the simple things we take for granted and please
stay safe. Lots of Love & Perfect Health / Healing to you Dani
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